A Mother’s love

“The mother-child relationship is paradoxical and, in a sense, tragic. It requires the most intense love on the mother’s side, yet this very love must help the child grow away from the mother, and become fully independent.”

My mother’s love, worth infinity. Beyond my price range. Nurturing was my mother’s love; filled with kindness that only my mother could give. It helped me grow, not just physically, but it filled my emotional appetite, so that I could take on the world when it was time to fly. The love was built to last, even though I thought it was too much, it drove me away from her side. But I know in my heart, what she gave me was her very best gift, her way of loving.

Acts of service, one of many love languages. A language that was always misinterpreted by me. House duties such as cleaning dishes, vacuuming, cooking and taking out the recycling. My mother considered it love. I, on the other hand did not. It was a chore. I felt like a slave when I did those duties. My mother should have done them. She was the housewife. Not me, I hated it. It made me feel unloved, as if I was punished for not having done anything wrong, and so I rebelled. I would skip doing my chores and of course, it had a negative impact. I did not get rewarded, instead I was yelled to and was told to go study or to stay in my room until I consulted my own behavior. My mother showed no affection, instead she did not hug me nor did she spoke to me, and so at that point in time, I started to sense that my own mother did not love or appreciated me.

I was surprised once I left home after high school, to chase my dream of someday being medical student. I was independent, working, studying and paying my own bills and rent. It made me realize that juggling such a lifestyle was tiring. I thought of my mother. I finally understood her strange way of loving, and how she expected me to love her. Acts of service. Chores and duties made her feel loved. The punishments I was given led me to my current spot, studying for the most important exam of my life, so that I could oneday have an opportunity to have a career and a family. She taught me well. Cooking and cleaning just like my mother. She made me realized love can be a lot of things, interpreted in different ways and not just what I defined as love. Her love was by far better than any bought gifts or hugs, even if it took leaving her to realize that.

Women are Trouble

“I am always drawn to men that are funny. I do not know why. But I am always drawn to people that are struggling with parts of themselves… But it’s like in the end, there has to be confidence.”

Venessa Carlton

Women all over the world are married, divorced and remarried, widowed or living alone, retired with a bunch of cats. It seems that women need companions, just like a dog is a man’s best friend.  Women tend to be drawn to men who are funny or men who are troubled, mainly the rebel like kind. However, I am always drawn to men who are struggling with parts of themselves, generally people who struggle. The ones who like to hide, behind their confidence backdrop.

Being a women, I’d like to think that someday I’ll be wed. And as a follow up from that, I, most probably get divorced and remarried; The cycle is a continuum. The reason why we get married, is because of love, understanding and friendship. It is a want to spend the rest of  “our lives forever”.  Nowadays, not so much. It seems that marriage is like a trend. That comes and goes like a cycle, for example like fashion. Marriage is no longer about love. The era of “happily ever after” has now passed. Marriage has turned into a business agreement. A companying marriage needs a flow of money, financial stability. Then again who has a large sum of money stashed away; No one, which brings about emotions of unhappiness, stress and frustration. This points to a larger outpour of misery and other linked emotions. Before we know it a man and a women is left separated, divorced with nothing but child support payments and custody over the family dog.

Everyone wants that white house with the picketed fence. Just like everyone wants a perfect man. Ones that make them laugh and happy all times of day. However being happy all the time can get dull and boring, which may seem ironic, but they say, “to much of something is bad”. Well too much of happiness can be bad. One needs to be entertained and experience a bit of ‘extreme’, something badass and dangerous to bring life to a person, and so it has come to an understanding as to why many women are attracted to such troubled men. It’s simply an effect of power. These men are blessed with charisma and confidence; overpowering the battle and endeavor of life, which really is keeping them at turmoil. The bad boy act brings challenges and a daring edge out of a women. Something one is not use to, almost like consuming drugs for the first time. It’s great fun in the beginning, however the consequence is brutal and life threatening; Symbolizing the consequence when one gets a hold of a troubled man.

It would be foolish to deny that everyone men and women struggle from time to time. We all get lonely and need a companion. Even if it means being drawn to strange and unforgivable habits of a man. The daring edge and the bad boy characteristics are frankly the only sex appeal. But the troubled part of them is generally what we are all lured to. It is the confidence expression and charismatic stance that hides all the flaws of a troubled man. Evidently, why ‘women are trouble’.

I wish you were mine…

I can’t simply but it into words how i am feeling right now. At this point in time i just wanna run away and never have to deal with all these emotions. I have so much to do and so little time. Yet I have time to waste here on blogs and facebook. I want to be of some help to someone. This time next year, I’ll either be crying cos i didn’t get into dental school or I’ll be rejoicing due to the hard work i have put in.  I just can’t phantom not being able to get into melbourne uni dental school. It would kill me to have to leave melbourne.

Apart of me really wants to stay because of my new friends and a family i have created there. My best friends, long life friends that I now can’t leave. I’m so use to moving all the time that i never actually make “true friends” if that makes sense at all. They either have other best friends or they don’t really care, I’m just their backup or something.

I feel like i have a sickness, an obsession infact, i tend to get obsessed over guys that i think are uber stunning and just in awe of there so called “beauty”. I like to think that im a perfectionist when it comes to art and aesthetics. I like to dress well when i go out and i like looking at how people present themselves and reading body language in the street. I’m always curious and abit weird like that, which leads to my obsession! I know that no one I know will ever read my blogs but I prob shouldn’t name this person, quite embarrassing actually because i only have met him once! yer once! And i wouldn’t say “met” More like Physically assaulted haha maybe assaulted is a dishonest term to use, as i didn’t really get assaulted because i actually loved every momment of it. Any so enclosed by his looks that i just did’nt see the try “boy” in him. Such a douche! Yet im still 3 months later which i could see him once more just to clarify.. which again i do not know why because there is no need to clarify! He obviously has no feelings for me!

My emotional rambal will make anyone wanna shoot themselves! I’m the most insecure and annoying person on the planet i shud be shot! I need to stop typing before i regret anything i said.

Happy New Years! xo

Weeks of Bad Luck

I’ve been having such horrible luck lately. First it started off with being fined for not displaying P plates or having a license on me. However i got away with the no license bit. Then I bumped into an old couple’s car at the red lights! It was horrible! I felt so bad! Lucky that it only scratched the back of their car. My car completely fine. Then the morning of NYE i dropped my iphone on tiles at home and crack! There goes my touch screen! Lastly, hoping this is the last of my bad luck, i was ment to be going paintballing today with my friends … and BOOM i can’t find my wallet to pay. I looked everywhere! So i had to miss out ! and then 10 min after my friend called to say i could still come, i find my wallet! How ironic huh! BUT IT WAS TO LATE! What’s wrong with me?

I want this BAD LUCK to disappear right now!

 

my first blog ever!

This is my ever first blog!

currently lying on dan khlar’s bed typing away in brisbane. I am flying back home to cairns tonight woo hoo!!!!!!!! I miss melbourne so much already! i just wanna be back and party with my friends!